Updates from a world full of White Noise...

Good afternoon you little CrossFit competition ho’

Good afternoon you little CrossFit competition ho’   Are you there now day dreaming at work slumped over your keyboard yearning to become better at the CrossFit comps you’re entering?   Can you smell the wallball as it bounces off the target but you, you little old butter fingers you keep catching it with your face instead of your hands because your eyes are full of tears because you should be an absolute fxxking beast by now and you’re not….   Yet.   We have the answer. The session you have been seeking. Where you can go bonafidely absolutely bloody ballistic. Where you can learn the skills necessary for full blown comps as a single, pair or team.   Welcome to…. Competitors Sesh.   It’s where Coach OCM rules. A coach so FXXKING GOOD he doesn’t even have a name; He became an acronym the second time he got into the final at Tribal Clash, back in 2018.   WTF is Competitors Sesh??? Find out HERE!   First session is this Sunday at 10am. Expected to last up to 2hrs.   Everyone... read more

Starting Strength

Starting Strength Programme The aim of the Starting Strength programme is to teach you the basic and fundamental lifts for training strength. The skills you learn can then be used in this gym or any other gym and will set you up for a life of strength training and fitness. The core movements aka ‘The Big Lifts’ you will learn are: Squat Press Deadlift Bench Press Clean Chin-Up Press-Up And many variants and assistance exercises for the ‘big lifts’ above. Learn Correct Form & Movement. We will take time to explain how to perform each lift, the benefits or the lift and the muscle groups it works. Every class will be taken by a level 3 personal trainer with free weight experience and good knowledge and working practise in the gym. A typical class will consist of the following: Overview of class programme & questions Warm up Demonstration of skill/s Coached session Assistance exercises especially for you Record of progress Cool down/stretch At White Noise Gym we pride ourselves on the quality of the movements we teach during the coached sessions (classes). The programmes we run are all tried and tested with our members and hundreds of thousands of athletes around the world. Our strength training programme is based on the great powerlifting & strength training programmes such as; Starting Strength, Stronglifts, 531, The Cube & Westside Barbells Conjugate System. Whats the deal? Cost of this programme is £85pcm. For this you will receive up to three coached small group sessions per week, access to the gym outside of classes, access to the full programme via an app where you can record... read more

Starting Strength Programme

Starting Strength Programme The aim of the Starting Strength programme is to teach you the basic and fundamental lifts for training strength. The skills you learn can then be used in this gym or any other gym and will set you up for a life of strength training and fitness. The core movements aka ‘The Big Lifts’ you will learn are: Squat Press Deadlift Bench Press Clean Chin-Up Press-Up And many variants and assistance exercises for the ‘big lifts’ above. Learn Correct Form & Movement. We will take time to explain how to perform each lift, the benefits or the lift and the muscle groups it works. Every class will be taken by a level 3 personal trainer with free weight experience and good knowledge and working practise in the gym. A typical class will consist of the following: Overview of class programme & questions Warm up Demonstration of skill/s Coached session Assistance exercises especially for you Record of progress Cool down/stretch At White Noise Gym we pride ourselves on the quality of the movements we teach during the coached sessions (classes). The programmes we run are all tried and tested with our members and hundreds of thousands of athletes around the world. Our strength training programme is based on the great powerlifting & strength training programmes such as; Starting Strength, Stronglifts, 531, The Cube & Westside Barbells Conjugate System.   Whats the deal?   Cost of this progarmme is £85pcm. For this you will receive up to three coached small group sessions per week, access to the gym outside of classes, access to the full programme via an app where you... read more

Changing Class Times

Good morning,   We’re changing the class times as from 1st February to give more options and to provide a better service to our members.   Weekly Time Table   12am to 6am Open Gym 6am to 7am CrossFit 7am to 6pm Open Gym 6pm to 7pm CrossFit / Gymnastics / BoxFit 7pm to 8pm CrossFit / Olympic Weightlifting Club / Gymnastics 8pm to 9pm CrossFit / Strength Training Club / Olympic Weightlifting Club 9pm to 12am Open... read more

Absolutely Nailed ‘The Best Nail Bar in Staines’

White Noise Gym AKA ‘The Best Gym in Staines’ is pleased to announce the opening this Monday of…. Absolutely Nailed ‘The Best Nail Bar in Staines’. Yes its a tag line that just keeps on giving 🙂 On offer in the newly decorated, refurbish and heated upper rooms of White Noise Gym you can now relax and have the following treatments… Manicure Pedicure Acrylic Extensions Gel Extensions Gel Polish (Chellac) Nail Art Each customer is welcome to a complementary Nespresso BUT we’re unable to give a complementary George Clooney.   Absolutely Nailed Opening Offers… The first three clients will be completely free of charge with donations welcome to cover costs of materials. The next five clients a 50% discount on any treatment. All work carried out by a qualified and insured nail technician.   Any questions or reservations please reply to this email. Please note that the offers are on a first come first served... read more

3 FREE Sessions at CrossFit Staines Town this January

This is the BIG finale. After this month we will no longer offer block cards of free sessions. If you’d like a 3 sessions for FREE card to try out our wonderful fitness parlour please click the link below, but first answer the below questions in your head… Do you want to try CrossFit for FREE? Do you want to try BoxFit for FREE? Do you want to try Olympic Weightlifting for FREE? Do you want to try CrossFit Gymnastics for FREE? Do you want to try Strongman Saturday for FREE? Do you want to try Staines’s favourite fitness parlour for FREE? Do you want to get fitter and healthier in 2019? If the answer is YES to one or more or the above questions then click HERE to claim you three FREE... read more

9kg Kettlebell

Firstly good morning, hope you’re good secondly this is a group email so don’t get arsey when I ask what I’m going to ask because I’m asking everyone.   Don’t come into the gym telling me how rude I am. Because one, I do not care and two get a grip on your fragile ego.   A 9kg kettlebell has been taken out of the gym. One of the members has nicked something.   I need to explain something and hope its absolutely crystal clear, when something is taken out of the gym to me its like you’ve stolen from my home. I HATE IT.   It’s not the cost of the item. Its the principle of the act. You have a key code and can come and go as you please so don’t help yourself to the kit in the gym just like I wouldn’t come into your house and help myself to some of your plates because I was having a dinner party. You can always buy more plates you tight b’stard.   So if you’ve taken the 9kg kettlebell return it, because your behaviour is making you look like a twat….   And because I’ve got HD CCTV in the gym.   Cheers   Paul PS. If you haven’t got light fingers this emails not for... read more

Outdoor Bootcamp Training 10am at White Noise Gym

If you fancy some outdoor training in the mid morning sunshine please come to…   Strongman & Strongwoman Saturday 10am (TOMORROW) at White Noise Gym, Tims Boat Yard TW18 3JY.   Everyone welcome.   Think tyre flips, sled pushes and dragging…. and carrying heavy stuff!*   White Noise Gym is where ordinary people learn to do extraordinary things.   *all weights and exercises are matched to your... read more

White Noise Training Programme

At White Noise Gym we focus on big compound lift/movements because this is the way to get strong, its proven, its tested, we don’t need to rewrite the rule book. The members at White Noise Gym have been working on their big lifts now on a 9 week cycle this coming month so will be tested on their 1RM’s soon. We then go into another strength cycle which again will last for nine weeks and again they’ll be tested at the end of it. If they stick to the programme they will be stronger and fitter each test session. This takes the gyms programme up to September. If you’d like to try out the facility now is the ideal time to. The following months are pretty much laid out as follows… Monday – Deadlift Tuesday – Strength Upper – Olympic Weightlifting Wednesday – Squatting Thursday – Olympic Weightlifting – Boxing Friday – Conditioning WOD Saturday – Strongman Sunday – Olympic Weightlifting   The strength programme will build strength in three ways. Maximal – Explosive – Endurance. There will be CrossFit conditioning within the strength programme, which will complement the strength element that day. There will more CrossFit Girl WOD’s, more Hero WOD’s and more CrossFit Mainsite WOD’s as well as strength work in % of 1RM.   This is the White Noise Gym programme and it’s coached in groups of a maximum up to eight. If you’s like to give it a try you have one day to sign up for FIVE FREE sessions via this LINK.   Thanks   The White Noise Gym... read more

Good afternoon you sexy little piggy…

Good afternoon you sexy little piggy,   Yet again the White Noise Gym behemoth grows stronger and its making us all a wee bit frightened. Our latest competition outing saw two teams take to the heady heights of Slough, CrossFit Slough and their competition Enter the Dragon.   The two teams started strong and finished strong, holding first place in some events and leading the competition at the halfway mark.   We finished with an excellent second and sixth position out of twenty five national teams this being with one of our athletes being first time out on the floor at a comp.   If you’d like to join a friendly, welcoming, fantastic little gym with 24/7 open gym, five free sessions to start and the lowest monthly membership prices for a CrossFit Box in London and Greater London send us an email by return and we’ll get you started.   Cheers   White Noise Gym AKA CrossFit Staines Town. read more

The Rules…

Good morning lover…   We’re going to change the rules a little bit at the gym which are as follows…   The Eight Person Rule Strictly 8 people per session for the time being  – apart from the 1830 TFI-Friday session which will be open for 12.   Training With Friends Who Aren’t Members If you’re bringing your friends to the open gym who aren’t members they HAVE TO PAY. With no exceptions, its only £5! The old month free promo membership and current five session free card does not entitle them to free open gym. Please also ping me a text or email or message to let me know your bringing a non-member into the gym with their name and email.   Using Open Gym on Free Promo Membership New members on a free promo are more that welcome to use the 24/7 open gym but please let me know you’re going to use it and it’s £5 a go. Please pay cash.   PT-ing In The Gym If you’re a PT and using the gym for your clients the rates are as follows…   If you’re not paying a £35pcm OG Member of WNG it’s £10ph If you are paying a £35pcm OG Membership of WNG it’s £5ph   White Noise Gym Apparel We have a few items left in stock which are now all hanging on the wall above the white boards, as always they’re limited edition and are not being re-run or printed. If you want one or more of the coveted items please let me know and I can sort you out a vest,... read more

You need more sexy in your life…

Are you lacking a bit of sexy? You haven’t said anything but you are just a bit… I can tell, and so can everyone else x   I myself and currently FULL of sexy…. absolutely exploding with the bloody stuff!?   There’s only one reason I am full of exploding sexy and that is the NEW clothing line of WHITE NOISE GYM and CROSSFIT STAINES apparel which I’ve been sporting.   We have vests, tank tops, fitted t-shirts, triblend t-shirts and sweaters in mens and womens sizes; please come down and see if you like anything before they’ve all gone. There’s a few on the wall and loads more upstairs in the office.   T’s and V’s are £20 and sweaters are £30.   Please bring cash to pay for the sexy goods.   See you soon,   Paul   07462... read more

Strength Training Beginners Course

Hi Paul, White Noise Gym has set up a special On Ramp Course that runs for one hour a week for four weeks and is set out to teach you the basic principles of barbell, strength and conditioning training. This is the perfect induction to training in general. You will be taught in a very small group so the sessions are more like a group personal training session than a standard ‘class’.   We will introduce you to the basic barbell movements, strongman and conditioning training, with this knowledge you can then ease yourself into training at any gym confident of your new skills or use open gym, like a boss.   The sessions are only £25ph and the full On Ramp Course can be purchased HERE, slots are limited.   If you need any help with along the the way, please feel free to call me at 07462 019718 or email me at at any time. See you at White Noise Gym soon. Take care, Coach, White Noise... read more

Bank Holiday Weekend Timetable at WNG

Heads up to whats happening this weekend   Saturday – Frans Birthday WOD & BBQ 12pm Free team workout with post workout BBQ & drinks to say happy birthday Fran and goodbye to Fran and Joel who have been valued and loved members of the gym for an age.   Sunday – Open Gym Normal shizzle   Bank Holiday Monday – Team WOD 10am Abnormal swizzle. A bigger than normal bank holiday workout for everyone no matter how new or old you are, come... read more

Kick Start Your 2017

It’s 2017 and to kick start your year we are running a brilliant offer of one months FREE training at White Noise Gym. We’re offering one whole FREE month to come to as many group sessions you like, morning or evening, CrossFit, Olympic Weightlifting or Strongman. After your first month you can then decide if the gym it is right for you. You are under no obligation to buy membership after the offer ends but if you do the prices are set out below in this mail. Please click HERE to get started. White Noise Gym is home to CrossFit Staines and Staines Weightlifting Club and is also a gym you can use for your own training. Typically the group sessions are capped at eight people per hour and you can expect one to two coaches to be on the gym floor at anyone time. This high instructor to student ratio gives you expert personal training quality tuition on hand if you need it and allows the coaches to build a personal relationship with you, the student. White Noise Gym’s sessions are unlike other typical gym classes or other larger CrossFit Boxes where the main objective is to pack out the room with paying people, where technique is lost and instruction from the coaches can be misunderstood. The weekly CrossFit timetable is as follows… Monday to Friday 6am to 7am 7am to 8am 9:30 to 10:30 Tuesday & Thursday – CrossFit Girls 6pm to 7pm* 7pm to 8pm* Saturday CrossFit Strongman 10am to 11am *Wednesday night is pure Olympic Weightlifting and is coached by Kristian McPhee U77 British Champion... read more

Why is White Noise Gym so bloody good?

Your reading this, it’s Monday morning probably or it’s late Sunday night and you should be in bed but like me but you’re not because like me your awake so I’ve decided to write this fxxxxxg email. I may sound miserable, it’s because I am. So I tried to write a list of why White Noise Gym is better than your gym or CrossFit Box or Dojo or wherever you like to hang out to get your kicks to cheer me up, and it’s actually working. So with the dog crying in the back ground because for the thousandth time when he’s been out for a walk he’s run into stinging nettles and he cannot handle the pain I’ve given you the why White Noise is better Top 10… 1. We do Crossfit, Strongman, Olympic Weightlifting & Yoga 2. You get a whole FREE month to try out as many things as you like before you decide if you want to join 3. We a have national level star studded coaching team…. for the olympic weightlifting sessions x 4. Our monthly membership is cheaper than all local CrossFit Boxes even though it really shouldn’t be 5. IF we’re not cheaper than your current CrossFit Box we’ll discount you membership so if you join White Noise Gym it will be lighter on your pocket 6. We have a sports massage therapist in Staines who loves us who can massage your aches and pains away 7. We have in-house nutritional experts who can mange all of your nutrition for any goal 8. We have an onsite natural swimming ‘pool’ that’s 50m... read more

Christmas has come early at White Noise Gym

It’s the 1st December and I want to give you or one of your friends something for nothing that may change your life. There are some amazing things happening at White Noise Gym and you or a friend are welcome to come and try what we have on offer. Firstly we are running a brilliant offer of one months FREE training at White Noise Gym for you if you’ve never trained here before or one of your friends if you’d like to forward them this email. We’re offering one whole FREE month to come to as many group sessions you like, morning or evening, CrossFit, Olympic Weightlifting or Strongman. After your first month you can then decide if the gym it is right for you. You are under no obligation to buy membership after the offer ends but if you do the prices are set out below in this mail. Please click HERE to get started. White Noise Gym is home to CrossFit Staines and Staines Weightlifting Club and is also a gym you can use for your own training. Typically the group sessions are capped at eight people per hour and you can expect one to two coaches to be on the gym floor at anyone time. This high instructor to student ratio gives you expert personal training quality tuition on hand if you need it and allows the coaches to build a personal relationship with you, the student. White Noise Gym’s sessions are unlike other typical gym classes or other larger CrossFit Boxes where the main objective is to pack out the room with paying people, where... read more

BBQ Friday & C&J Competition Saturday

This weekend we have fun and games and lots of jokes… Friday WOD & Sausages – Start with an optional workout at 18:30 and then at 19:30 eat lots of BBQ’d food from our oil drum BBQ and drink lots of beer, cider and jagerbombs. It’s Paride’s and Andreea’s fault as they somewhere along the line decided to get born around the same time of year!? The festivities may go on for a long time for as we get more and more drunk… no doubt we’ll be playing house music and perhaps even some D&B or even a tiny bit of punk and then eventually dancing in slow motion. If you don’t fancy coming for training, I’ll be drinking as soon as I can so come down and keep me company while I burn all the food while they all train. Members, wives, husbands & friends of members are all invited to attend this BBQ. You can also bring down anyone you think may like to join, you know the score. Saturday Clean & Jerk Competition in Woking. Please come down and support the legend Howard Ching and the legend in the making Ciara Mac. Alistair Slark will also be there throwing some weight around for the White Noise CrossFit Staines Team. Kristian McPhee is rumoured to be in attendance. He’ll be swaning around in his cravat and spats. He likes to dress in clothes from different centuries at the same time when he’s out in public and not wearing his favourite leotard. Love you lots White Noise... read more

To those who haven’t made it

What’s happened? Are we not friends anymore?… We spoke, you were you going to come down to the gym but you didn’t make it. I wouldn’t worry about it, you haven’t let me down; so don’t feel bad. You’ve let yourself down a little bit because you’re bang up for training but don’t want to start all at the same time. It’s a bit of a nightmare isn’t it, and there’s no easy way out… You have to bite the bullet because no-one else in going to endure it for you. You will find it hard in the beginning, it will be unpleasant at times but the end result will be worth it and to be honest, you’ll actually quite enjoy it most of the time anyway. Make an appointment, just reply to this email. We want you to join, no matter how many times you’ve said you were coming but couldn’t make it because we’ve been there to. We’ve not made it lots of times. But we’re here now. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise... read more

Good morning, good morning!

Good morning, good morning!…. You’re so bright and breezy 🙂 The holidays are over and it’s back to the grind. I’d love it if you joined White Noise Gym to help you unwind… We do all kinds of fantastic things here… CrossFit Olympic Weightlifting Strongman So as well as unwinding you’re going to get blooming fit, strong and all your fantastic dreams will probably come true too. You can either join White Noise to make some pals and train at your leisure or you can join the competitive teams and go out to tournaments and throwdowns where crowds of people will cheer you on as you win their hearts and minds on the big sporting CrossFit, Olympic Weightlifting or Amateur Strongman stages. Come down and give us a try, I’m sure you’ll love it and we’ll love you… Let the romance blossom I say, Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise... read more

Bored at Work?

Bored at work? There could be a silver lining couldn’t there… You could be training just after work at CrossFit Staines. Imagine the camaraderie, imagine the fun!  Imagine yourself getting fitter and fitter by the day as you exercise away all your woes? You’ll become buff, people will start to fancy you more. Your miserable work colleagues who you can see now, your grey, soulless colleagues will want to be you…. even more than they do now. Earn the beer pal. EARN the wine you sexy minx. Come to the gym and start today, the only thing you have to lose is body fat Regards Paul Elliott-Smith White Noise – CrossFit... read more

Has Your Gym Been Mollycoddling You?

Hello you beautiful bounder… The weather is starting to get hot and your thighs may have started to rub at the top… A bit of chubrub at the top of your thighs never fails to let you know that your New Years Resolution to get fit and lose a bit of weight for summer has gone absolutely and utterly pear shaped, just like your body has. It’s time to face the facts… Last time you were walking around Tesco’s, there was so much friction your private garden was two steps away from bursting in flames!… If this tale sounds too awfully familiar it really is time to get your very hot, very sweaty butt into the gymnasium and try to get bikini fit for the summer because… Lets be totally honest it’s 2016, man or woman you should all be comfortable wearing bikini on the beach. So fellas if you fancy getting all dressed up in drag this summer by the sea; or ladies if it looks like you’re in drag when you’re wearing a swimming costume and you really wish it didn’t, come down to the gym for some nice group training and sort that gender bending summer holiday bod’ right out. Love you… White Noise... read more


Strongman Saturday This is the training White Noise Gym was built on 5 rounds for time — 250m skierg or row AHAP 3 stones to shoulder at BW Then… Team Tire Flip Kalsu – Men V’s Women Every minute on the minute complete 5 burpees During the balance of the minute complete as many tire flips as possible. Repeat this process until you complete 100 tire flips as a team of... read more

There Is No Such Thing As Overtraining

Written by Rob MacDonald – Gym Jones There is no such thing as overtraining, there is only under-recovery. Most people don’t put in enough time, effort, or train with enough intensity to put themselves in a state of overtraining. Most people simply don’t recover well enough. “Genuine overtraining” refers to a long term pattern of being overworked often times coupled with substandard recovery. There are those who may put themselves in a genuine state of overtraining. Take for example the athlete who puts in between 1000 and 1300 quality hours a year. That works out to between 19 and 25 hours per week, every week of the year, with no time off. These aren’t just junk hours either. They are quality hours. Do you train that much? Do you put in that kind of effort? Ask yourself a simple question and answer it honestly: How much do I train in an average week? Remember that just showing up to the gym for a few hours a day doesn’t mean you trained. We are talking about quality hours here. So how many quality hours do you put in per week? It probably isn’t enough to actually be overtrained. Chances are that if you think you are overtrained you are actually just under-recovered. If you want to improve then recovery must be taken seriously. The work in the gym is only a piece of the puzzle when it comes to being fit. Remember that “Training = Work + Rest”. Without adequate rest and recovery the training will become less effective and you will plateau. In my experience when people have hit... read more

Adrenaline Rush & Spartan Race – OCR Team

Heeeellooo you little OCR Enthusiasts! Two obstacle course races you might like to enter as part of the White Noise Gym Team. We are racing to complete, not to compete so we’ll be going round as a crew in both.   Adrenaline Rush The first and closest is Adrenaline Rush in London at 2pm on 30th May. Distance: 5k 15% Discount Code is: muddyrace15 Team Name: White Noise Gym Come and join us!   Spartan Sprint South The second is Spartan Sprint South in Battle, E.Sussex at 10am on 19th September Distance: 5k+ 20% Discount Code is: MMMT Team Name: White Noise Gym Come and join us for both!!   I’d love to see you there, Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

FREE CrossFit Beginners Programme

Greetings new CrossFit people We’ve had quite a bit of interest in the FREE CrossFit Start programme we are now running. You can sign up for the whole programme which lasts for four weeks. After the four weeks you’ll be able to join the normal session schedule. You get four FREE CrossFit Start sessions, FREE gym access for one month and a FREE Olympic Weightlifting session. Can you please sign up online or let me know via email if you would like to come. Sessions run 6:30am and 6pm every Monday and last for one hour. To book online please pay the £1 admin fee and you’re ready to roll….. jump, lift, pull etc, etc. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

FREE CrossFit Start Membership

Facebook Offer FREE CrossFit Beginners Programme This offer is for use at the White Noise Gym in Staines-Upon-Thames TW18 3JY for the CrossFit Start Programme. The offer is only available January, February & March 2015. Usual rate for the one month CrossFit Start programme is £65. CrossFit Start sessions last one hour and run 6:30am Monday, 6pm Monday and 6pm Wednesday. Each week the three sessions are the same. You will be expected to attend one session per week at anytime. Completion of one session a week for four weeks gains you access to the regular White Noise CrossFit Staines sessions and timetable. One extra session will be all Olympic Weightlifting at the end Thursday of the month at 8pm. CrossFit Start members also have access to the open gym to practise their new skills. This offer is open to new or returning customers to the Staines gym only. Any questions call the gym on 07799 663207 If you are struggling to find a way to pay monthly or want to join with a partner please contact the gym to see what we can work out. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

CrossFit Start

CrossFit Start The CrossFit Start programme at White Noise CrossFit Staines is now up and running. £65 for one months worth of CrossFit Start sessions (A maximum of 2 x per week) and full open gym access before you’re let loose on the general public.We also have a new trainer called Rachel who is very eager to start coaching at the gym and putting through your paces. First session is FREE, then if you like commit to one month and we’ll get you up to speed, guaranteed. Don’t delay join us. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

2015 is upon us

Goooood evening With the Christmas holiday’s behind us now and our eyes set on 2015 I’d like to tell you what we have in store. Personal Training Introduction Offer £200 for ten sessions. Email me to book on to this fantabulous offer. FREE Months Membership Pay for three months membership before 26th January and get April absolutely FREE. I know THIS IS MADNESS. 6:30am CrossFit Sessions We have morning sessions happening now at the gym. Monday, Wednesday & Friday all have sessions at 06:30am. Please log in online and reserve you space. CrossFit Kids & CrossFit Teens CrossFit sessions for the youth have started on Saturday’s and quite frankly are possibly the best way for your child to let off some steam, learn something new and have some fun. CrossFit Kids (8 to 12 years) 9am to 9:30am CrossFit Teens (12 to 16 years) 9:30am to 10:15am Book in now HERE Fully Automated Online Payments The fully automated secure online payment system is now active. All members of the gym should now be able to log in online and add their card details. Make sure your invoices are up to date and show the correct amount owed before you add card details please. We will be making sure this is all unto date this week. This system will then take over from standing orders and cash payments, deducting the correct amount monthly from your card. This allows us to see our end who has paid and who is missing payments. January Timetable Please click HERE to view the online timetable. Olympic Weightlifting Tuition with Samantha Balchin Please book online for your Olympic Weightlifting master... read more

Online Booking is Live!

Welcome friends and foes to the weekly updates from White Noise Gym… Online session booking The online booking is live on the website. This has been made even easier by the White Noise Gym App which allows you to log in, book sessions, cancel sessions and to also track you workout progress. To download the White Noise CrossFit app go here… Then follow the installation instructions here… This should download the gyms app to your smart phone. Personal Bests Well done to the Strongman Sunday gang who smashed their previous PB’s and also set some excellent benchmarks for their first session on farmers walk bars.Without doubt the best way to gain strength is a weekly dose of Srongman training. Rob 220kg famers walk Rich 190kg farmers walk Faye 115kg farmers walk Jade 115kg farmers walk Extended open gym opening times in the evening The automatic gates timer has been set to open at 6am and close at 7pm Monday to Friday. This allows uninterrupted access to the gym. You are more than welcome to start training at the gym at 7pm, you will then need the gate code to leave site as normal. This change in time should allow for easier access to the gym and less people getting caught at the gate and needing to be buzzed in. This weeks timetable looks like this… Monday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 6pm to 7pm CrossFit Start 7pm to 8pm CrossFit Tuesday 6am to 7pm Open Gym 10am to 11am WOW CrossFit Wednesday 6am to 7pm Open Gym 7pm to 8pm CrossFit Thursday 6am to 7pm Open... read more

The little people…

Hello there, Here are my thrilling family stories about the stars we know and love walking among us, the little people… Jeremy Kyle My daughter has been told off by Jeremy Kyle for running through Marks and Spencer’s in Windsor. After he told her off he refused to have photo’s taken. To my daughters and her friends chants of Jezzer he continued on with his food shopping. My daughter continued her game of ‘it’ with her friends unphased. Barbara Windsor Myself and my future wife met Barbara Windsor in a betting arcade in Brighton during a promotion when times were hard for bikini popping Babs. The Queen My wife experienced temporary hysteria when randomly spotting the Queen driving through London. Her wild screaming shocked our small children, passers by and the queen. The queen drove past and my wife was left bewildered and embarrassed about why she acted the way she did. To this date her actions are a mystery. Russ Abbot I once saw Russ Abbots son telling off a boy for scratching his Mercedes with his bike handle bars. The words “This is an expensive car pal” were said. He was then joined by Russ Abbot himself as they took the scared boys details in Virginia Water. Frank Muir I also once met Frank Muir in Thorpe and he told me a story. Thanks, that about wraps up the ‘star’ stories for today but let us continue chatting about gym life… This week at the gym is looking like this… Monday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 6pm to 7pm CrossFit Start 7pm to 8pm CrossFit Tuesday 6am... read more

Quick but interesting…

Welcome friend to updates or a rather quick but interesting nature… New gym space We’ve only been open a short time but it may be possible to get a new gym space. It may also be possible to double its size but I don’t think I could do it alone so I’m interested to hear from anybody who may be interested to make this work/pull this off with me. Personal Training Can you please email or text me to book in PT for the following week. Any PT blocks purchased January to October 2014 will not carry over to 2015. Lets get them used up please. Timetable Check this weeks Interactive Timetable tart britches. Book Online Can you book online for the group sessions please. Follow the link to the interactive timetable above. New Website I think it’s basically there. It’s new, it’s exciting it’s full of metatags. It’s the new White Noise Gym website Hill Sprints This Saturday we will be Hill Sprinting at 9am. Informal, free and probably quite exciting. Yoga Yoga will be restarting very shortly and hopefully I have secured one of the best teachers in the area. We had some big shoes to fill when Hannah stepped down but I do think I filled them and that I’ve had to cut the fucking toes out of the shoes because those new big yoga feet just keep poking through. Gym Membership Still procrastinating about gym membership? FFS come on! If you’re married/partners I will cut you a deal. I might even cut you a deal if you work shifts or you’re just skint. Lets... read more

More White Noise?

Guys and Girls Someone’s approached me and I’ve been offered a space for a gym that’s double the size in Staines, 200m2 instead of the 100m2 which we have. I know some of you in the past have expressed an interest in developing a bigger gym either by investing money or partnering up. If anyone is still interested in doing this can you email me please. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

Ouch, my friggin’ hamstrings

My hamstrings, my hamstrings, ouch my friggin hamstrings… I’ve started a new system of training recently and it’s making me ache. So soon it’s going to make you ache as well, because you’re going to be doing it. Fun and games in the gym this week were as follows. Please note that CrossFit is back to the old times of Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday morning and Monday, Wednesday, Friday evening. We have included a Saturday morning session that is free and is hill sprints at St.Ann’s 9am. Let us look at the week ahead…. Monday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 6pm to 7pm CrossFit Start 7pm to 8pm CrossFit Tuesday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 10am to 11am WOW CrossFit Wednesday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 10am to 11am AWBS WOW CrossFit 7pm to 8pm CrossFit Thursday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 10am to 11am WOW CrossFit Friday 6am to 6pm Open Gym 6pm to 7pm TFI Friday CrossFit Saturday 9am Hill Sprints St. Ann’s Hill 8am to 4pm Open Gym Sunday 10am to 11am Strongman Sunday Paleo Training Bible Well done to the girls and boys who lost over 11kg in their first week of following the eating plan and exercise regime. Personal Training Please contact me to arrange PT for this week. The blocks purchased in 2014 will not carry over to 2015 unless they have been purchased in November/December 2014. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

Speaking of Good…

It’s been good down and the gym this week. Speaking of good… CrossFit Rob has made his mark on the group this week. I have heard tales of blubbing and funny walking when leaving the gym, which come to think of it was probably happening before we even started using the warehouse for CrossFit group training considering the amount of dominatrix type behaviour that was going on down there in the not so distant past. Thinking of body fluids…. I had been struck down at the end of this week by a flu virus that could of lay waste to a heard of elephants; I kid you not. But over the weekend this has gradually been destroyed by my immune system and then eliminated by my digestive system as solid waste. ‘Put that in your pipe and smoke it’ I thought as I flushed the last remnants of the virus down into the sewer, where it belongs. Speaking of bowl movements…. A certain lovely lady in the gym has been showing off here ‘compacted’ tum-tum on Instagram this week which actually looked like she was four months pregnant it was so full. We all could breathe a collective sigh of relief when she announced she had given birth to ‘problem’. I was personally relieved that we didn’t need to do the group intervention and start off the process by giving her a bit of ‘leverage’ with the ‘back knobber’ as we had discussed only hours earlier. Speaking of the back knobbler… Body Maintenance We have some new bits of kit in the gym. The back knobber, a rather fiendish... read more

Sunday a day of rest & Atlas Stones…

Sunday a day of rest, relaxation and atlas stones… Well done to the Sunday morning atlas stone moving crew who were almost hired by a passing irish traveller on a labourers day rate of £150 per person, so amazed was he by their concrete moving prowess. This following weekend will see myself away on a CrossFit Powerlifting Course, which will of course give me chance to wear my CrossFit t-shirts and trainers, hooray! OCR Back 2 the Trenches Obstacle Course Race So far we have a team of eight confirmed. If you definitely want to come let me know and I will book us all in. You’ll be looking at completing a 6k obstacle course race in Redhill on the 2nd November. Tell me if you’d like to book and I’ll sign us in as a team so we get a discount. Knacker Cracker 10k Trail Race New Years Day This is a fancy dress race if you like, just come in your running gear if you’re a party pooper. This will fill up quickly so if you’re interested in taking on Box Hill four times then come with us. The week ahead looks like this… Monday 6am to 6pm Open Gym Members, personal trainers or pre-arranged drop in can come down and use the gym for training. 6pm to 7pm CrossFit Start New to CrossFit and just plain rubbish at everything? Too scared to come down to the gym because you know we’ll just rip the piss out of you for a whole hour for being such a pansy? Start here, we all did and now... read more

Trionium Knacker Cracker 10k 2015

We are running a 10k trail race on New Years Day at 11am at Box Hill in Dorking and would love it if you could join us. We’re also thinking that as most people do this race in fancy dress it is our time to shine. The team so far is… Paul – Christmas Pudding Rob D – Boxer Nicola B – Undecided Spencer – Thinks he’s going as a ‘runner’, this is not allowed Ana – Undecided James B – Sexy Fairy (he can defo pull this off!) We’re also looking at getting a team together for Surrey Half, Tough Mudder 2015 and various other running inspired activities. Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

Short & Sweet…. Probably

Hello and welcome to the weekly-ish newsletter, I am going to keep this email short and sweet which usually means that it ends up being quite long and in-depth. This week was another good week at the gym or White Noise CrossFit Staines as some of you like to call it in full when we’re conversing, you cheeky full name monkeys. This week saw Paul, all round exercise guru and nice guy return to the gym for more diabolical scheming of an exercise nature. It saw Hannah depart, our Yoga teacher, our CrossFit aficionado and serial lifter of the 60kg atlas stones… “Why!” I howled when I found out, “Why must you leave us!!!” “There’s just too much going on in my life to fit in the sessions Pauly Bae” she replied “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!……….” I whispered. With that she turned and walked out of our lives. Reflecting back on the conversation perhaps if I’d just said the long drawn out ‘No’ louder she may of stayed, we’ll never know. But with Hannah departing this has seen the introduction of Rob a new CrossFit coach of such high calibre that it makes me excited just typing these words into the keyboard on how fantastic this development to the gym actually is. Welcome Rob!! Change of session times (mainly for Al who has had a session time nightmare this week) Weekly we now have… Monday 6pm CrossFit Start 7pm CrossFit Tuesday 10am WOW CrossFit 7pm CrossFit Wednesday 7pm CrossFit Thursday 10am WOW CrossFit 7pm CrossFit 8:30pm Olympic Weight Lifting Friday 6pm TFI Friday CrossFit Sunday 10am CrossFit Strongman Sunday I am looking... read more

Hello Special Pants

Have you missed me? I’ve been off for the last week crying and sleeping and trying to pretend I’m on holiday, in the rain, in my own house, with my five children, and their numerous greedy friends with a broken dishwasher. Believe me when I say it’s going to be good to get back, because… I fucking mean it. Now I’m restructuring slightly and this will probably take the rest of September to implement but we will have the following developments… CrossFit on five nights a week Monday to Friday. CrossFit starting early mornings. CrossFit Kids Saturday morning. Yoga & CrossFit Strongman Sunday morning. More coaches for your training enjoyment Specific conditioning sessions which will include more running A White Noise CrossFit Team to go to CrossFit comps and support to individuals who wish to do this I’ll keep you unto date with the new schedule as it’s put together and email you out at the weekend. Personal Training Email me to book in PT please   Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

…lately I’ve been quite enjoying it

Hello, I’m here again lurking in your inbox, and I must say lately I’ve been quite enjoying it. This week was quite a good week in the gym, some good sessions were nailed. There was a severe amount of muscle flexing, eye boggling in fact. I did find myself saying quite a bit, “Ohhhhh, those biceps make my eyes water, and don’t get me started on your triceps; absolutely magnificent”, to anybody that would listen. I did a lot of training just in my Speedo’s to feel like those body builders on the interwebs. It did start to catch on in the end, with more people coming in bronzed and in skimpy swimming costumes. CrossFit FREE Trial This week is the last week to let me know if you want to try the group sessions FREE for a month. Personal Training PT is full now, I can’t take any more people on. I would be interested to hear from you if you would like to boo in sessions in the future, still drop my an email. PT This Week If you are an existing client and you want PT this week then can you contact me asap to get it booked in.   Monday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT or exercising. 6pm to 7pm CrossFit Back- a session that’s CrossFit as hell. I’ll be taking it, obviously.   Tuesday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT, and exercising. 10am WOW CrossFit 6:30pm 7:30pm CrossFit Start 7:30pm 8:30pm CrossFit   Wednesday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT and training.   Thursday 6am to 9pm gym open for... read more

Gooooood evening beauty face

Another week down, muscles looking good and nice to see Christmas adverts appearing on TV. We’re all heading to oblivion folks albeit a rather ripped and muscly one, lets head there together. Personal Training The PT week is crammed full, there is some afternoon space and evening space but at the present time mornings are tight. If you haven’t booked in this week’s PT can you email me asap so we can get it in please. If you want to take advantage of the 10xPT sessions for £150 please email me to book them in. CrossFit Offer CrossFit is going well at the gym, so well in fact there’s two more sessions on this week on Monday 6pm and Tuesday 6:30pm. The CrossFit offer, probably the best CrossFit offer ever is still running, newbies get one month FREE and are under no obligation to continue after the months free session have come to an end. The coming week looks like this… Monday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT, ravin or exercising. 6pm to 7pm CrossFit sexy time – a session that’s basically just for all the sexy people. I’ll be taking it, obviously.   Tuesday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT, and exercising of all shapes and sizes. 10am WOW CrossFit is NOT on this Tuesday 6:30pm 7:30pm CrossFit 7:30pm 8:30pm CrossFit Beast – a session for all the beasts. I’ll be taking it obviously.   Wednesday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT and training.   Thursday 6am to 9pm gym open for PT and training. 10am to 11am WOW CrossFit – Just for chicks. I’ll... read more

Gym is haunted…

A look back at this week… Well done everybody for an epic week of fitness at the White Noise Gym in Staines. White Noise CrossFit Staines membership rapidly grows in numbers. I did a five day vegetable & fruit juice detox (yes folks no solid food for five days) which almost had me crying not once, but twice. Personal Training is bursting at the seams, but I’m going too throw you a curveball… I think the gym is haunted…. …. but I won’t go into right it now. Let us ponder the week ahead Monday 6am to 9pm Gym Open for PT and general gym adventures   Tuesday 6am to 9pm Gym Open for PT and general gym misadventures 10am WOW CrossFit – Women Only 7:30pm CrossFit NEW SESSION 8:30pm CrossFit Start   Wednesday 6am to 9pm Gym Open for PT and general gym shenanigans   Thursday 6am to 9pm Gym Open for PT and general gym entertainments 10am WOW CrossFit – Women Only 7:30pm CrossFit Start 8:30pm Olympic Weight Lifting   Friday 6am to last entry at 7pm Gym Open for PT and general gym escapades 5:30pm TFI Friday CrossFit   Saturday 6am to last entry at 4pm Gym Open for PT and general gym adventures   Sunday 8:45am Vinyasa Flow Yoga 10:15am Strongman Sunday   DEALS FREE CrossFit for one month FREE Personal Training   Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym The first real gym in... read more

Smiling new faces

Well done for last week you supreme beauties, This weeks highlights have been… Smiling new faces in the gym Amazing MetCon efforts New strength PB’s Epic sweat angles (including one where the bum cheek print looked like a massive bell-end and the persons body print looked like a fat shaft. It actually looked like a giant with dwarfism has squashed his sweaty dumpy cock onto the rubber mats. I would of taken a picture but in the heat the mystical phaullus quickly vaporised and we all unknowingly breathed it in) Severe unadulterated swearing With the five highlights above setting the tone I’ll move on to this weeks interesting titbits…. Online Booking Please try to book in online to secure you places on this weeks sessions. FREE Personal Training 1:1 Buy five sessions for £150 and get another five absolutely FREE FREE Personal Training 2:1 If you don’t fancy doing 1:1 PT then why don’t you book with a friend. I’m offering ten sessions for £200 if you book with a friend, that’s only £100 each. WTF?! FREE Group Sessions for one month. If you want to start group sessions but not sure when you’re actually going to do it. Start now and get the first month of sessions absolutely FREE of all charges. All CrossFit, Olympic Lifting & Strongman sessions are included. Monthly Gym Membership from £30 Cheap to join Best selection of free weight kit in the area Deals for PT’s to use the facility to train clients Cheapest CrossFit sessions in the area Best coaches in the area FREE bottled mineral water Team Spartan 5k Obstacal Race... read more


Let us examine the evidence. Cheese. Now before we get into that age old argument about cheese and come to blows over it like I have so many times before, I am going to make such a resounding wall of defence or attack (look on it how you will) against cheese that it may well have you getting up (after reading this email) barging past your cheese defending spouse and throwing your own block cheese into the bin. What is cheese? It’s full of flavour, nutty, mild yet strong milk proteins. Hard or soft, yummy…. No, no, no. It happened like this, picture it…. Man 6000 years ago, two men hiding in a shrub carefully contemplating their next move on the savanna, close to starvation… “I’m starving, I’ve eaten berries and rabbit today and eaten half a giant coconut, what else is there to eat” “There is just that, berries and rabbit and giant coconuts” “There’s not, there’s also that white stuff that comes out of the cows tits” “Yes there is the white stuff from the cows tits but I hate drinking from the cows tits… And I hate drinking from goats tits as well” “Tits are for babies” “Yeah….” “Last time we drank from the animal tits we did feel full” “Yeah, and it was a laugh, it made me feel high but did give me the shits the next day” “FFS, okay lets do it; it is Friday night” “I almost died from an angry cow attack last time though…” “I know we’ll have to be careful, no more suckling like a calf…too risky” “Why don’t... read more

Greetings you sexy beast…

Greetings you sexy beast, There’s been so much happening at the gym in the last few weeks I’ve hardly had time to put finger tip to keyboard to tell you all about it… But here I am, doing just that right now whilst being bugged by a child who’s pretending to be Slender Man, breathing in the neighbours bonfire that all seems to be plumbing directly from there smouldering mound of fuck knows what and defying the laws of physics to somehow be completely sucked into my open patio doors. None of the smoke is going into the atmosphere; how is this possible? And to top it off the dog wants me to play with his football, closely staring at me, letting me know he’s there frequently by dropping rancid dog smells, yes boy I smell you. I smell you so loud and so clear. Now aside from the distractions I still have put together this luscious round up for you.. But firstly let us ponder a while on the below statements from two different visitors to the gym before we get going… “This is the best CrossFit gym I’ve ever been to. No other CrossFit Box around here has got gear like this”  “I keep looking around and seeing new things, this is amazing; there is so much gym equipment in here.”   Letting that set the tone I now drop the discount bombshells that I’ve been keeping secret all weekend…   Monthly Gym Membership   6am to 9pm access to the best equipped gym for real training in the area starts at £30pcm. Yes, £30 that not a typo (but... read more

When I was a nipper…

When I was a nipper I used to climb onto the roof of my dad’s escort van and jump the ditch that ran along the single lane dirt track road than ran parallel with our row of houses. I thought I was brave as the ditch was filled with high stinging nettles; thick with stinging nettles, ones taller than my little self. I used to do this in just my red pants, just like Tarzan would wear. I also used to scream the Tarzan scream, the one he used to scream when he swung though the trees. One day I fucked up, misjudged the jump from the roof of my dad’s van and jumped into the ditch filled with stinging nettles just in my pants and stung myself to bits, screaming, trying to crawl out, pain everywhere. I did go back to the roof of the van but the buzz had gone, the fall had ruined it for me. I had let the one set back put me off, I had stopped believing the fantasy and the jumping wasn’t fun anymore. The thing is now I look back and think If I hadn’t stopped believing, if I had searched newer and higher places to jump from I wouldn’t be just sitting here typing this. I’d be in some jungle somewhere swinging through some trees, I’d be the bonafide fucking Tarzan. This week the gym’s timetable looks a little like this…   Monday 6am to 9pm Open Gym & PT   Tuesday 6am to 7:30pm Open Gym & PT 7:30pm to 8:30pm CrossFit   Wednesday 6am to 9pm Open Gym... read more

Hilarity Slacking

I’ve been a little slack recently on my hilarious updates and I know, it’s not fair is it, I’ve neglected you. And you’re special, we’re all special in our own unique way. There are some great things happening at the moment which should see you with access to a quality gym and some fantastic training at a very reasonable price. The main changes to the schedule will be dedicated gym access evenings when before we’ve had group. I’m also expanding the times the groups will run so we will eventually have multiple group sessions daily as the client base builds but also gym access to people who don’t necessarily want group sessions but still love a good free weight gym. Gym membership This is the first time a box with CrossFit affiliation has run a gym only membership and is an exciting development. We now have dedicated open gym access to the facility for £35pcm on the following times. Monday – 6am to 9pm Tuesday* – 6am to 7pm Wednesday – 6am to 9pm Thursday* – 6am to 7pm Friday – 6am to 6pm Saturday – 7am to 4pm Sunday – Closed   *Tuesday & Thursday no access between 10am and 11am (women only)   CrossFit, Strongman & Olympic Weight Lifting Timetable. Dedicated CrossFit group session evenings with memberships starting as little as £35pcm are as follows Tuesday Thursday Friday Sunday On the above days we will be running multiple sessions every evening to satisfy demand.   Facility Now Available for Hire to PT’s The facility is also being opened up for personal trainers in the area. If you... read more

!!! Overview of English Football & Other Updates !!!

Firstly before we start can I just thank the England Football Team for delivering a once in a lifetimes performance last night. It really was spellbinding. I could liken it to a spell that hopefully burn out my retinas and render me deaf and dumb so I didn’t have to watch another two halves of that utter crap for as long as we both shall live. I’ve been married, by birth, to a football team who constantly fail to deliver on every level and who’s players combined yearly salary could save Sudan. Why people? Why do you watch football? I’m sorry to break you the bad news but, it’s utter nonsense. I dislike football as you might of gathered but I have watched two halves of the world cup. The first half of their (our?!) first game and the second half of the game just gone. First game I fell asleep it was so exciting and yesterdays game I wished that I was asleep. Well done Rooney for your first goal, you fucking over paid potato and well done for the totally despondent interviews afterwards. The realisation that a nation had wasted a total of £1 each on on English flags we’d now have to keep flying proudly on our wing mirrors for the duration of the tournament weighing heavy of everyones shoulders. On another note I’ve opened a new gym in Staines. You can decide if you win or lose by how many times you turn up. It really is the bollocks, honestly. Come down and train, this week I’m going to send you some fantastic offers to... read more

Good Morning

Good morning, The sun is shining and the grass is green. The children are playing and licking ice cream. If you would like PT for this week can you email me to confirm times and days please.   Have a nice day, Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym Gym – CrossFit – Personal Training – Strongman – CrossFit... read more

Something very special

Tonight, something very special is happening. Hannah, lovely lady, lots of talent is taking the 7:30pm CrossFit session. Hannah is a LVL1 CrossFit coach and has consistently wowed us with her amazing feats of strength, power and endurance. Sam Balchin another lovely lady is taking you for Olympic Lifting at 8:30pm because she’s so good at and it she’s got an English bronze medal. Her skills are basically ditto all of the above but she’s also got a bronze medal. Come down to Olympic Weight Lifting tonight and you may just catch a glimpse of the medal flashing under her tracksuit top.   Regards Paul Elliott-Smith The White Noise Gym   Gym – CrossFit – Personal Training – Strongman – CrossFit... read more

Bobby Dazzler

Good afternoon you handsome devil you, I think you could be best described as a ‘Bobby Dazzler’, yes you could… come here and you can kiss my hand. Well that was a bit weird wasn’t it, or was it?… I just can’t tell anymore. Anyway…. moving on, well done to the girls for doing so well in this mornings CrossFit ‘Domantrix’ WOD, it was a bit of a bitch and definitely wasn’t taking no for an answer but it was definitely smashed and in style, great stuff. PT Sessions Thanks to the new PT clients who have recently taken me up on my May only offer in the new gym of ten sessions £200. I can’t wait to get started and see where we can go. New Group Timetable Tuesday 10:00 WOW CrossFit (Women Only) 15:30 CrossFit Kids – (Ages 11 to 13 or Ability) 19:30 CrossFit   Thursday 10:00 WOW CrossFit (Women Only) 15:30 CrossFit Kids – (Ages 14 to 16 or Ability) 19:30 CrossFit Start – A good place to start if you’re new 20:30 Olympic Lifting with Sam English Bronze Medalist   Friday 17:30 TFI Friday CrossFit   Saturday 10:00 Strongman Saturday     NewTariffs Platinum Membership £95pcm -Four WOD’s a week & pre-booked gym access 9am to 3pm (£5.48 per session)   Gold Membership £75pcm
 – 3 WODs a week (£5.81per session)   Silver Membership £55pcm – 
2 WODs a week (£6.35 per session)   Bronze Membership £35pcm – 1 WOD a week. (£8.13per session)   Pay as you go adult CrossFit/Strongman/OlympicLifting £10 per session Pay as you go CrossFit Kids £6 per session (or use... read more

Staines gym is nearly finished

Good evening and I do hope your muscles are looking good, Today at the gym refurbishment things are nearing completion. Emma, Annie, Ana & Mark all showed up to work on the project. Mark went topsy turvy Mark insisted on doing all the glossing, don’t know why; I think it’s because he’s from New Zealand and he’s spent so much time standing on his head…. as any sane person will know, glossing is a pain in the ass. Anyway, half way through the glossing he then started playing topsy turvy land saying he didn’t want to do the glossing but really he did, we knew he was just pretending so we joined in his funny game saying we all really wanted to do the glossing but really we didn’t at all. Then we all laughed but Mark didn’t, he just carried on with the glossing looking sad but really he was happy ‘cause he was all topsy turvy. When he finished the glossing he looked happy but really he was sad, so I gave him some more glossing to do which made him sad, which meant he was happy in his game. When he finished he said he wasn’t coming back tomorrow because I’d made him do glossing all day but he was still playing topsy turvy land so he is definitely coming back tomorrow. Nice one Mark and well done for keeping up the pretence all day, I couldn’t of done it. Rubber floor With the painting basically completed we started laying the rubber flooring which is now laid apart from the cuts. Good stuff. More gear With the... read more

Athletes, Prowler Aficionados and Couch Potatoes

We have reached the end of an era. Strongman Sunday today was my last session at the BIZ Runnymede in Chertsey and to be completely honest I’m quite glad and raring to get the new gym up and running. Now that’s not to say that the recent process hasn’t been a little annoying and overwhelming at times. Mid-week last week was a low point, I was generally thinking, ‘FFS, help me I am still in the middle of a building site’ and I had also quite an anxious day towards the end of the week after drinking five shots of coffee. At this time I was thinking, ‘What the f*ck have I done, this project is never going to work, I’m ruined, RUINED. You’ve had some f*cking stupid ideas in the past but this, this one takes the crown, you moronic bastard’ Well, hahaha…. I can laugh about it now, hahahahahaaaaa….hmmmmmm Now I’ve been blessed with lots of offers of help this week which I really do appreciate so I’m letting you know what’s occurring over the next five days. The main bulk of the work the week just gone has been the strip out. It has taken me longer to strip out that I first thought because of the amount of materials that had to be removed, tonnes. The rough plan is as follows…   Monday Delivery of Vulcan rubber flooring. There are 40 mats and each matt is 6’x4’ and weighs 44kg. They need to be moved inside. Delivery of Cardio Equipment Skip Collected Floor adhesive scraped off the concrete floor. Female toilet suite removed Horizontal soil... read more

Fucking hell, what a week.

Updates of a general nature The BIZ Runnymede’s (where I currently reside) foundations looked extremely rocky this week as a vote on no confidence removed Brian (small hairy gnome fellow) the chairman and forced him to resign. Various other bits of information that have subsequently come out this week have boggled my mind to put it mildly. The looming and immanent demolition of the whole site, the current leadership and other problems that the BIZ Runnymede now face have left me under no illusion in the slightest, it is a great and well timed move to abandon ship. New gym updates I’m looking at opening up on the 1st May, I now have the keys and have started to rip things out of the building. Hopefully I can get most of the stuff sorted by the start of May. I know that some of you in the past have offered to put investment into the project either for a return or for 100% free lifetime access. If the offers still stand I would love to talk them over with you. Also if you’ve not thought about this until now and it sounds like a goer please get in contact. Address of the new unit is below in the ‘signature’. New gym personal training offer I’m offering rom now until the end of May 10 x PT sessions for £200. This is to attract new PT clients to the gym in Staines so if you would like to take me up on my offer please contact me asap. This offer can be used in Chertsey at the moment and Staines... read more


I’m going to keep this short and sweet. Thanks for last week everybody. We had some amazing PT sessions and some great CrossFit sessions happening throughout the week. Date of Venue Change I’m looking at opening up the new gym the first week of May 2014. New Payment Structure There will be monthly gym, monthly CrossFit, monthly both and drop-in sessions. PT Deal For the New Gym £200 for ten sessions then £30ph thereafter will be running as an introduction for the new gym if you would like to start PT. Timetable for April 2014 CrossFit Tuesday 10am WOW CrossFit 5pm CrossFit   CrossFit Thursday 10am WOW CrossFit 7:30pm CrossFit Start   CrossFit Friday 5pm TFI Friday   CrossFit Sunday 10am Sunday Strongman   Regards Paul... read more

Fat Gut & Massive Arse

It’s the 22nd January already. How’s 2014 been? That resolution you made to go training more, yeah that one that you’ve been trying to forget about; how’s that one going? How’s that fat gut and that massive arse you were sporting in 2013? You going to grow it this year? How’s that tricep under hang, lift up your arm… Is it bingo time yet, has RedBull given you wings? Well if it has, spread those wings and fly my bulbous beauty, fly down to the gym. Put on those old trainers, pull on your lycra training suit, put on your leg warmers, grow a mullet and perm your hair real tight cause yes, it’s exercise time in Chertsey town and we are going to exercise like it’s 1984. I am your Mr Motivator (okay not quite 1980’s), I am your Richard Simmonds, I am your Green Goddess. I come to you now in my special leotard, extraordinarily camp and with knee high bright pink CrossFit socks that denote the depth of my squats for the joyous weekly updates… Reviews on Facebook I know I have asked this before and I don’t want to piss you off as I know the request is slightly annoying but can you leave reviews or stars on the Paleo Training Bible Facebook page if you think I deserve them. Both would be great but just stars are fine. If you want to leave one star because you hated what I’m doing so much can let me know how you feel and why, otherwise I can’t change things. I need to know the good and... read more

Haggis Poem

So here we are in the middle of January and I can’t help but think it’s a little bit shit isn’t it? The only bonus is that it’s only eight days until Burns night, a fantastic Scottish night where I traditionally swallow a gluten free Haggis whole like a bloated tablet and sip a wee dram of whiskey with my best mate Rabbie. He, he, he, everyone knows a Rabbie…. Rabbie, Rabbie, Rabbie. Rabbie a true scotsman, kilt no undies, once told me the Scottish poem about the origins of the haggis. It (the haggis) apparently was born from the unholy and deadly union between a rabbit and a goat. I’ve never forgotten the poem or Rabbie, who was named after the rabbit in this dark ode to the haggis… Rabbie the Rabbit, The Rabbit monger. Stealer of wind swept rabbit kisses. High on the heath stalked a lonely goat, A shadow of a goat A rabbit hanging from his throat. Death by the paws of a vicious rabbit. Rabbie, Rabbie, Rabbie. Cloven hoofs twitching, A four leafed clover. Buck teeth tearing the under udder. Enter the haggis, Beautiful haggis, We just witnessed the birth of a haggis. Yes, I must admit it is a rare piece of poetry and quite spell binding with the beautiful imagery it conjures in just those few lines. Now lets take a moment to think about that poor goat before we move on to this weeks newsletter…. Thank... read more

!!Happy New Year!!

Welcome to Wednesday 2014. Funny day to start a new year on really, would have been much better on a Monday. Now, you’ll probably be reading this email in one of two states. I’m not talking directly to our international holidaying or american friends here I’m talking more about ‘state of mind’. You may of had the self-control, the reserve, or been festively saintly, not letting your world crumple into a pile of festive nonsense this Xmas. You may not have spent all your money and more on christmas presents, crying into your third bottle of Bailey’s and buried your face into tray after tray of buttery mince pies. You may of kept training; running, lifting weights or you may of forgot any of that ridiculous training stuff happened back in 2013. I mean what the f*ck were we all doing? Jumping, he made us jump, up high, until we smashed our shins in… Really?! It’s all so far way now anyway, it’s a distant memory and I feel like a different person…. But that’s it isn’t it, you feel like a different person too. There’s so much more of you to hold now, so much more to love. Folds of fleshy skin drape down over the top of your jeans like meaty bedroom curtains. Some of you, the ones we shall not name will not be able to fit into your 2013 jeans opting instead for new tracksuit bottoms that you had to walk to Tesco’s in Addlestone half naked to buy. Hiding embarrassed and in shame behind holly bushes and bunches of berryless, discarded mistletoe, as you... read more

Traps for Father Christmas

Many years ago when I was an innocent child and I yearned for Father Christmas to fall into one of the traps I set for him around the house on Christmas Eve, I was also an avid letter writer and Argos catalogue peruser. I would find the toys I desired in ‘The Argos’, cut them out carefully and stick them onto paper with a written description next to them. This colourful list I would then send to the happy, white haired old gentleman who could be found routinely in children’s bedrooms giving them presents. No, not Jimmy Saville, the Coke-a-Cola swigging Saint Nick of course, ho, ho, ho…. Christmas is a coming 🙂 Times have indeed changed and this year, I have no list and I no longer believe in Jimmy Saville. But most importantly I have not been shown christmas lists from my children but instead I have had the pleasure of the christmas power point presentation. Page after page of stunning graphics and sweeping images. I am under no illusion of what my children want and require this Xmas…. less free time. Some of those presentations were so long I needed a tub of popcorn and a toilet break. Anyway, let us get on with the final updates for 2013.… Women’s WOD 10am Thursday 12th December £5 CrossTraining so unbelievable it may curl your toes just thinking about how amazing it really is. Olympic Weight Lifting with Sam Balchin 7:30pm Thursday 12th December £10 An Olympic Lifting session so staggering and beautiful it may have you quivering on the floor gasping for more when it’s over. Thank... read more

The Glory Bell…

Ring the glory bell for the secret news messages from Paleo Training Bible have arrived. The glory bell rings, now here it dong… Dong…. CrossFit HQ in the USA love Paleo Training Bible so much they want us to be a CrossFit Affiliate. They’ve sent me a proper email and everything saying welcome aboard. Dong…. They don’t like the name though so I’ll have to change it to something without a religious reference. Dong…. Fuck nose what to call this beautiful exercise thing we have created now. And yes I know that I said nose. Dong…. I would like suggestions please on affiliate names we could call the gym. So far I’ve come up with ‘Mr Muscles Musculation Emporium’ but it just doesn’t sound right. Dong…. New sessions are starting in Bracknell from this Sunday 12:30 8th December CrossTraining. Dong…. Women’s Only CrossTraining Monday & Thursday 10am £5 Dong…. Olympic Lifting Thursday at 7:30pm £10 Dong…. Thank Fuck It’s Friday CrossTraining 5pm £5 Dong…. Strongman Sunday Chertsey 10am £5 Dong…. Strongman Sunday Bracknell 12:30pm £POA to FW Urban Gym Dong…. Please if you have time leave me a review and stars on the Paleo Training Bible Facebook page. Dong…. Thanks to everyone who has made my 2013 so enjoyable at the gym. It’s been fantastic. Ding Dong…. Someone’s at the door, must dash! Regards Paul Elliott-Smith CrossFit Kids Trainer CrossFit Level 1 Trainer CrossFit Strongman Trainer Advanced LVL3 Personal... read more

CrossFit Chertsey

Just a quick CrossFit update for you… CrossFit has agreed to licence CrossFit Chertsey to me as an affiliate. I have signed the contractual agreement with CrossFit HQ and have purchased the domain. I wasn’t 100% sure on the name as you may know but for a few different reasons I won’t bore you with have decided to go with it for now. I’m not going to be able in the future to run things all on my own and will be operating an in-house training policy. This basically means I would like the people who come to the gym and train regularly to consider if they would like to be involved more than they are now. I will be asking trainee’s to help me with demo’s more now in 2014 and I would also like regular trainee’s to think about applying for CrossFit LVL1 qualifications if this is something that they are interested in doing. I now have to put £1828 of my money where my mouth is for the privilege of owning the CrossFit Chertsey label for one... read more

This Email is Very Unpleasant.

WARNING – This email is very unpleasant. Delete it NOW if you would like to stay positive 🙁 Open up your advent calendars guys and dolls it’s the 1st December. If you’re wealthy you’ll have a chocolate behind every door, if you’re poor you just have festive pictures; but that’s okay. If you’re a fucking adult hopefully you won’t have an advent calendar at all. It’s just for kids, so just do us all a favour and grow up this year, you great big foolish baby. Let us continue with the festive cheer… Strongman Sunday 1st December 10am £5 This session is going to be on the barbells. We’ll be going heavy and working out our 1RM on three lifts. Hard & heavy is the name of the game, but it’s not really a game. Strongwoman Monday 2nd December 10am £5 CrossTraining straight from the CrossFit WOD library. Men can come but must be disguised in at least a padded bra and wig. We’ll make it more interesting and stipulate that if they are discovered a severe festive beating will be dished out, with bells on. Ho, ho, ho. Hill Sprint Tuesday 3rd December 10am £FREE This session in XC in the cold and mud. Usually we train in a moody silence apart from when we’re laughing at the person who is crawling up the hill last as we’re all staring down at them from the top of the hill looking very strong and fit. New comers are welcome, the more newbies that come the merrier we are… when we’re at the top looking down on you. CrossTraining Wednesday... read more

I held a banger in my hand…

To start proceedings we have a brilliant seasonal poem… The 5th November has come and gone But thoughts of it still linger, I held a banger in my hand Has anyone seen my finger? And hold your banging applause until the end of the email, please! Weekly Timetable Monday 09:30am to 10:30am – CrossTraining for Women £5 Thursday 09:30am to 10:30am – CrossTraining for Women £5 Thursday 6:30pm to 7:30pm – Olympic Lifting £10 Friday 5pm to 6pm – Thank Fuck It’s Friday CrossTraining £5 Sunday 10am to 11am – Strongman Style CrossTraining £5 CrossTraining Kids I’m putting this session on hold for the moment and will not be running it again until further notice, but it will be on again in the near future. I need a commitment from the BIZ Runnymede for funds to run the course as I’m running it as a voluntary venture for the organisation. TFI Friday 6pm to 7pm Gone Off This session has been cancelled as mostly everyone comes to the 5pm on Friday and they always have done so it’s pointless to keep it going TBH 🙂 CrossTraining Bracknell Come December I will also be doing CrossTraining and Strongman sessions over in the FW Urban Gym in Bracknell. I’ll keep you posted for more details soon. Personal Training Chertsey, Bracknell & Walton-on-Thames I am expanding the venues where I carry out personal training. The best deal is in the BIZ Chertsey but I am also offering PT in two other venues now, the Physique Warehouse in Walton and the FW Urban Gym in Bracknell. Special Mentions Spencer has now lost two... read more

Just a Quickie

This is a quickie but also paradoxically a little bit of a longie. I have filled it full of the usual spelling mistakes so it’s a little bit difficult to read, enjoy! This week has been a bit of a weird one. There has been a sickness bug floating around and a few people including myself have been feeling ill during training, which has not been great for any of us. Hopefully now we have seen the back of this sicky, shitty bug and we can get back to some proper training unhindered by the fear of changing our under-crackers halfway through the WOD’s or barfing onto the tarmac. Lets roll…. Strongman Sunday 10am 20th October £5 We’ll be outside if it ain’t raining doing something amazing and incredibly tough. A great strength building session. Tuesday WOD 22nd October 5pm £5 This Tuesday will be the last session I run on this day. The clocks go back the weekend after so it will be dark outside and I’ve decided to knock this on the head for the time being as on Tuesday’s we can’t use inside. If you want to train on Tuesday evening please come to BoxFit that is run by Mark & Carl at the BIZ. This starts at at 7:30pm and is popular because it’s a well delivered and demanding. Cost £5. Thursday Olympic Lifting 6:30pm Thursday 24th October £10 Sam, a lovely lady and English bronze medalist in Olympic Lifting has started a lifting club at the BIZ. The session was good last week, she had us doing squat cleans and we touched on snatches.... read more

Full Moon Party

TFFI Friday Sessions – 23rd August – 5pm & 6pm – £4 We’re at the end of the week now folks and we’ve been tormented by the full moon. Sleepless nights, unexplained happenings and lunacy in general has plagued or very existence. Come and get back to reality with a nastily put together WOD just for your enjoyment. The Friday session is just £4 CrossFit Strongman Course – CrossFit Clitheroe I will be leaving you all lying on the grass on Friday and getting straight into my car and driving up to Clitheroe in the North of England to take the CrossFit Strongman course that’s being held on Saturday. It should be good fun and will involve technique and training for all kinds of Strongman lifts and events. This will be put straight into our Strongman Sunday sessions. Sunday Strongman Boy’s v Girl’s – 25th August – 10am – £5 Fresh from a Strongman course in Clitheroe I will bring you updated strongman shenanigans to crush your very soul. In a nice way; that’s scaleable…. We’ll be putting into practice some proper Strongman/Strongwoman teamwork at the Paleo Training Bible sessions this Sunday so come prepared to shift some heavy weight. Your team is going to depend on you, so come prepared to work hard. When is a Gym a Box? The old redundant school wall bars that the BIZ have clung onto for far too long are being taken down in the next couple of weeks to make way for some more kit in the gym. We will have some nice wall bars suitable for all types of pull... read more

CrossFit Affiliation

Hello there, I hope you’re not sweating in out in some heat filled dungeon that you used to call your lounge as your reading this… I am actually, as I’m writing this and it’s not pretty… not pretty at all. …Anyway, lets get started and I promise I’ll keep the spam emails to a minimum… CrossFit Affiliation I’ve applied for affiliation with CrossFit USA which ‘to cut a long story short’ will have Paleo Training Bible listed on the main CrossFit website as a registered club and we’ll be able to use the ‘CrossFit’ branding to our hearts content. This process can take a several weeks until we are given the okay so we wait with baited breath… CrossFit Kids The National Lottery have approved the grant application to implement a CrossFit Kids Course starting in October 2013. The grant application will cover advertising fee’s and a wall rig plus other fees so it’s all good. Fantastic in fact. The CrossFit Kids course runs in three six week term-time blocks starting in October with a one 1hr session running per week after school on Thursdays. We will be teaching and training with the CrossFit foundational movements plus we’ll have specialist coaches in Olympic Lifting, Gymnastics and Parkour coming into the facility on certain days so it should be good fun. New Revised Class Times I have revised the class times again due to the influx of people requesting personal training. Please see below for Work Out of-the Day (WOD) class times, there are now no early 06:30am class sessions… Monday – Open WOD – 09:30 to 10:30 Thursday – Open WOD... read more

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