Greetings you sexy beast…

Greetings you sexy beast,

There’s been so much happening at the gym in the last few weeks I’ve hardly had time to put finger tip to keyboard to tell you all about it…

But here I am, doing just that right now whilst being bugged by a child who’s pretending to be Slender Man, breathing in the neighbours bonfire that all seems to be plumbing directly from there smouldering mound of fuck knows what and defying the laws of physics to somehow be completely sucked into my open patio doors. None of the smoke is going into the atmosphere; how is this possible? And to top it off the dog wants me to play with his football, closely staring at me, letting me know he’s there frequently by dropping rancid dog smells, yes boy I smell you. I smell you so loud and so clear.

Now aside from the distractions I still have put together this luscious round up for you..

But firstly let us ponder a while on the below statements from two different visitors to the gym before we get going…

“This is the best CrossFit gym I’ve ever been to. No other CrossFit Box around here has got gear like this” 

“I keep looking around and seeing new things, this is amazing; there is so much gym equipment in here.”


Letting that set the tone I now drop the discount bombshells that I’ve been keeping secret all weekend…


Monthly Gym Membership


6am to 9pm access to the best equipped gym for real training in the area starts at £30pcm. Yes, £30 that not a typo (but that last one was… *that’s)


CrossFit Membership


FREE for one month to new customers. Yes that’s right that not a typo either.


As many CrossFit, Strongman, Olympic Lifting sessions as you like for one month FREE of all charges. Best offer ever from a CrossFit affiliated gym? Probably. No obligation to buy after the one months up.


Personal Training


The old offer is back for new PT clients in Staines. Possibly the best offer ever to run in Chertsey, now running in Staines. Buy five PT sessions for £150 and get five absolutely FREE. Yes that’s not a typo either. TEN sessions for £150. I must be mad to offer such things I hear you yell, well let me assure you if I was mad I’d be in Abraham Cowley in Chertsey, so I can’t be mad…. because I’m not; you silly sausage.


Gym Door Coded


Regular monthly members now have access to the gym via the coded door. Sometimes you’ll have the gym all to yourself. Under the timer I’ve put a framed picture of myself smothered in fake tan in red speedo’s flexing my muscles so if you get lonely or feel slightly sexy you can look at my posturing and it will probably bring some welcome relief.


All Monthly Gym Membership Revised


Bite the bullet, join up for a month and save yourself some cash. Look HERE


Session Timetable


Group sessions are on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Check HERE


Olympic Lifting on this week.


Samantha Balchin, a wonderful woman and all round good egg comes back to us this week on Thursday at 8:30pm for all your Oly Lifting needs. She really is our very own wonder woman. You can book in and pay cash or this session comes out of your monthly membership.


An interesting thing


Jake from is designing me the best website imaginable over the next few weeks to go with the new gym. I can’t wait for it to go live!




Paul Elliott-Smith
The White Noise Gym
The first real gym in Staines.