Let us examine the evidence.

Cheese. Now before we get into that age old argument about cheese and come to blows over it like I have so many times before, I am going to make such a resounding wall of defence or attack (look on it how you will) against cheese that it may well have you getting up (after reading this email) barging past your cheese defending spouse and throwing your own block cheese into the bin.

What is cheese?

It’s full of flavour, nutty, mild yet strong milk proteins. Hard or soft, yummy…. No, no, no. It happened like this, picture it….

Man 6000 years ago, two men hiding in a shrub carefully contemplating their next move on the savanna, close to starvation…

“I’m starving, I’ve eaten berries and rabbit today and eaten half a giant coconut, what else is there to eat”

“There is just that, berries and rabbit and giant coconuts”

“There’s not, there’s also that white stuff that comes out of the cows tits”

“Yes there is the white stuff from the cows tits but I hate drinking from the cows tits… And I hate drinking from goats tits as well”

“Tits are for babies”


“Last time we drank from the animal tits we did feel full”

“Yeah, and it was a laugh, it made me feel high but did give me the shits the next day”

“FFS, okay lets do it; it is Friday night”

“I almost died from an angry cow attack last time though…”

“I know we’ll have to be careful, no more suckling like a calf…too risky”

“Why don’t we drain the cows white water tits into the empty giant coconut shells, that way we can keep the white water for time… whatever that may be”

“That is a plan”

“Lets do this!”


Some time (whatever that may be) later….


“We did it, we have coconut tubs and tubs of white water hehehe! At least enough for a month or more, we’ll never starve again!”

“We did. That cow did die though we drained it so much and it’s death moo’s scared away the other cows and rabbits…”

“It doesn’t matter, we have the white water”


The next day…


“I’m hungry again, lets drink the silky water”

“What, I didn’t hear….milky water? Yes lets… drink the..WTF! It fucking stinks of sick, it’s going lumpy!?”

“Have you puked in it?”

“No, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s rancid…. rancid milk, horrid”



“Do not touch it”

“It’s off!”


Three more days of nothing to eat. All the berries and giant coconuts have dried and died…


“Oh FFS, there’s nothing to eat”

“There is…. there’s the rancid milk… It’s got blue shit in it now and it’s solid.”

“You disgusting animal”


Both men are now thin and crying…


Three more days go by and they are forced to do something unimaginable.


“Help us, please mother god please we are starving”

“We must eat this, this…. fucking stinking shit….. this fucking cheese!”


Both men now starving and close to death, gagging they force dow the rancid, putrified milk to stay alive… forever they will feel the shame of this day. Little did they know they had just made the worlds first Stilton, eating it like hungry dogs…

Ladies and Gents, I rest my case.

This weeks timetable is as follows…


Gym open for training and PT 6am to 9pm



Gym open for training and PT from 6am to 7:30pm

7:30pm to 8:30pm CrossFit with Hannah



Gym open for training and PT 6am to 9pm

4pm CrossFit Kids



Gym open for training and PT from 6am to 7:30pm

7:30pm to 8:30pm CrossFit Start with Leo



Gym open for training and PT from 6am to 7pm

5:30pm TFI Friday CrossFit Hero’s with Paul



Gym open for training and PT from 7am to 4pm



Yoga with Hannah 8:45am

Strongman Sunday’s 10:15am with Paul

PT Deal

£150 for ten sessions. Buy five get five FREE. Available to new clients. Normal PT price £30ph.

Group Sessions

One month FREE from the date you start. CrossFit, Olympic Lifting and Strongman. No catches, no contact, no BS.

Monthly Gym Membership

Starts at £30pcm


It’s the start of a new week, lets get things rolling.

An interesting thing


Techno music by Proxy will be on the playlist in the gym this week real techno, no cheese.



Paul Elliott-Smith
The White Noise Gym
The first real gym in Staines.